1/5/13
I've debated whether or not to "journal" every day. I've decided that writing for most of the next 40 days is a good idea. I may want to look back at some point in the future to reflect on what worked for me and what didn't.
So far, three days into my journey, I feel great. I was expecting fatigue or irritability during the first week, as my body rids itself of toxins. Instead, I have experienced a positive, motivational energy; aside from the day long headache that postponed my original start date. This may be the calm before the storm, but I am going with it! I have started my mornings with smoothies instead of coffee, and that in itself is making a great impact on my energy level. I am a sugar junkie, but I've known for a while that sugar isn't always as sweet as it tastes. My cells crave nourishment but my taste buds have started wars in the past, daring any part of me to challenge the long held victory. The win is short-lived however, as the rest of my body suffers from the weakness that my tongue's strength holds over me.
Maybe that's why I've felt so great. I feel more in control now than I have in a while. Earlier, I found myself wondering why it's been so hard to choose healthy habits. And then it hit me. Healthy habits pave a narrow road to happiness. By happiness, I mean the kind of joy that radiates from within. Maybe there has been a part of me that has been afraid to let go of the comfort of the mediocre. Maybe there is a subconscious part of me that is afraid to be happy, because with happiness comes pain and disappointment. Maybe there's a part of me that needs to cling to some semblance of a vice, because to let go of it would mean to experience a freedom that's disguised as a fall. But maybe, it would be like falling upwards; falling away from what holds me back. If I choose to let go of that which seems to mask the discomforts of life, then I am left bare; and in those moments all that's left is to acknowledge, accept, and move on.
The other part, of course, is that healthy habits take a little more time. Planning and preparation are not the forte of a single mom who is working and going to school full time. Some nights it was all I could do to find time to grab a chicken sandwich at the Chik-Fil-A drive through to be quickly devoured by my son on the way to t-ball practice. That's why I am grateful that I have this time between graduation and grad school. My hours have been permanently cut at my job, but moving on has been in the works for a while now. Dissatisfaction and dread accompany me to work, and only the knowledge of a swift end keeps me sane. I am oddly calm about my dwindling paychecks. I am enjoying the extra few hours I have each day to experience Jacob's childhood.
Besides, I know in my heart that God has a wonderful plan in store. I embody the term "miracle". He hasn't brought me this far just to drop me now. My ups and downs do not reflect failure, they reflect life. The beat of our hearts mimic mountains, with their valleys and peaks. Trips to the valley reflect life, not failure; while climbs to the peak can be a joyous rush of adrenaline to be welcomed, not feared. Fortunately, once I invited God to journey the mountains with me, my lowest valley still trumps the highest peak of the life I used to live. In this moment, as I put aside the comfortable blanket of mediocrity that has whispered enticing deceit, I embrace instead the truth of beauty over the horizon. I gain strength and momentum with each healthy decision I make. I am confident that my struggles have illuminated and sweetened my success. My anger and disinterest towards God that I experienced in previous years have been replaced by joy, particularly when thinking of the following truth:
"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…" (Joel 2:25)
The locusts ate 27 of my 33 years. For that I am grateful!
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