Days…
Ok, so clearly I have lost track of the days, and just in case it wasn't already obvious, I momentarily lost my resolve as well. Maybe lost isn't the best word. Misplaced. That's it, I momentarily misplaced my resolve.
Fortunately, this journey wasn't intended to be an all or nothing New Year's Resolution to be dropped until next year, although recommencing seems to be tougher than beginning. This was intended to be a catalyst for healthy living. So the question is, why is it so hard to make healthy choices? And when does it get easier?
Maybe I shouldn't have jumped in head first. Maybe I should have taken away one thing at a time, instead of going from 0 to 50 right after the time of year when we gorge ourselves with artery clogging goodness and then swear it off. No wonder it doesn't work. When I take the puppy outside to potty in the freezing cold, it always takes me a long time to warm back up, and I tend to overcompensate by raising the heat or adding layers. When I raise the heat, I inevitably wake up sweating a couple of hours later. Similarly, when I jump right into a fast/cleanse, I overcompensate for the deprivation by either overdoing it all at once, or for an extended period of time.
That being said, I am not restarting my detox. I am, however, reframing the boundaries. I need to start slowly so that I don't binge on whatever when I start to crave it. My body is so used to being driven by substances, such as caffeine, that to take everything away all at once has the opposite effect. I'm tempted to boldly claim the things that I will or will not do in the days to come. But I won't. There are so many changes that I want to make, but I have to accept that they can't all be made at once. Instead of refraining from all the things I've grown accustomed to, I need to remove one thing at a time while replacing it with another.
I have been silently tossing some ideas around about which changes are pertinent and which ones can wait. The most important thing that I've let slip is my quiet time with God. That is when I gain wisdom and strength. God strengthens me, but I have a really bad habit of walking a crooked line. Fortunately, He is always waiting in the middle. That's what grace means to me. I swerve to the left and the right, but he is always there in the middle waiting to ease me forward a little more.
And the light bulb goes off. No wonder my journey hasn't been successful. I have been going it alone. Tad-a! The journey wasn't meant to be a lonely one. Good thing it doesn't have to be!!! Looks like I have uncovered the first step.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Days 8-11
1/14/14
Days 8-11
These are the things I experience when I eat healthy and make healthy choices overall:
- increased energy
- clarity of mind
- motivation
- elevated mood
- overall sense of well-being
- overwhelming desire to grow
- excitement towards active things such as bike riding and hiking
These are the things I experience when I make unhealthy choices
- decreased energy / lethargy
- foggy brain
- no focus
- zero motivation
- way too much television
- overall sense of…
BLAH!!!!!!
The BLAH is what I was trying to get away from in the first place! That feeling of dragging through the day because my body and my mind do not have the energy and motivation to be active. There is a pull away from the unhealthy choices just as much as there is a pull right back towards them. Maybe I'm missing a key ingredient in the wellness puzzle. As soon as my clarity of mind returns, which will no doubt be after spending an entire day consuming only smoothies and fresh vegetable juice, my mission is to discover the secret to cutting the yo-yo.
Friday, January 10, 2014
1/10/14
Days 5-7
Progress not perfection. Cliche, yes. But even fairy tales have rhyme and reason sometimes. I fully intended to jump into this plan of completely healthy eating and press through the entourage of enticing flavors. I caved. Oh well, my path will look more like a maze. I"ll still make it to the end, the path will just look a little different from what I originally had in mind.
I definitely notice the difference, though, from when I'm eating healthy and when I'm consuming junk. My energy level, my intention, my motivation, and my overall sense of well-being are diminished when sustaining the latter. It can be fun, though. Which leads me to ask myself if health is sometimes balanced by tipping the scales a little. Not the scales with numbers, but the one that reflects the balance between good and evil. Sometimes being too far on any one side may have the reverse effect if you overcompensate for it later. It' s possible that easing into the change of lifestyle is all part of the process.
Then again, I only made it to day 5. I want to experience what it's like to make it past the point of craving unhealthy things, and just be completely and totally healthy. Is there even such a thing? People who have progressed to that level are often referred to as "granola munchers". It's funny how at any given point in life, someone on the outside could attempt to classify you into a group so definitive as to be simplified by one descriptive term. Or when the so called experts bombard you with contradictory evidence that each side arguing a potentially harmful or helpful ____ (fill in the blank) is right. Sun is good-sun is bad, carbs are good-carbs are bad, prescription drugs are safe-prescription drugs can kill you. I think the key is moderation.
And God. Maybe I am trying to do this too much in my own strength. Maybe I am not leaning enough on God, and stumbling is a way to show my weakness, so that He can shine through and show His strength. Well, only one way to find out...
Days 5-7
Progress not perfection. Cliche, yes. But even fairy tales have rhyme and reason sometimes. I fully intended to jump into this plan of completely healthy eating and press through the entourage of enticing flavors. I caved. Oh well, my path will look more like a maze. I"ll still make it to the end, the path will just look a little different from what I originally had in mind.
I definitely notice the difference, though, from when I'm eating healthy and when I'm consuming junk. My energy level, my intention, my motivation, and my overall sense of well-being are diminished when sustaining the latter. It can be fun, though. Which leads me to ask myself if health is sometimes balanced by tipping the scales a little. Not the scales with numbers, but the one that reflects the balance between good and evil. Sometimes being too far on any one side may have the reverse effect if you overcompensate for it later. It' s possible that easing into the change of lifestyle is all part of the process.
Then again, I only made it to day 5. I want to experience what it's like to make it past the point of craving unhealthy things, and just be completely and totally healthy. Is there even such a thing? People who have progressed to that level are often referred to as "granola munchers". It's funny how at any given point in life, someone on the outside could attempt to classify you into a group so definitive as to be simplified by one descriptive term. Or when the so called experts bombard you with contradictory evidence that each side arguing a potentially harmful or helpful ____ (fill in the blank) is right. Sun is good-sun is bad, carbs are good-carbs are bad, prescription drugs are safe-prescription drugs can kill you. I think the key is moderation.
And God. Maybe I am trying to do this too much in my own strength. Maybe I am not leaning enough on God, and stumbling is a way to show my weakness, so that He can shine through and show His strength. Well, only one way to find out...
Monday, January 6, 2014
Day 4
I almost skipped today's entry. Not because I haven't done well, because I have. When I reach a certain level of exhaustion, my brain wants to rest along with my body, and profound insights elude me. Then I reconsidered, because looking back, I will want to remember the monotonous times as well.
I'm on day 4 with no caffeine, sugar, processed food, or alcohol. I felt great this morning. I'm not sure if the cloud at work hit me or if my body is finally realizing that it's missing the impostor fuel it's been running on; but midday I started to feel a little sluggish. I wasn't so tired that I was plagued by cravings, but I started losing the pep that has made the beginning of this journey seem effortless. I forced myself to exercise this evening, which helped a little. I finally tackled the mountain of unsorted mail that rose from the seat of the chair, past the top of the table. It was the equivalent of five unmanageable piles that should have been tackled months ago. I can see my table. I can see my chair. I can even see the shelf that's been hidden by the overflow. I am slowly cleaning the mess that procrastination left, which only strengthens my resolve.
I'm hoping that before this journey is over, I will be able to face mornings before they face me. I am hoping to eliminate the incessant need to hit snooze at least three times. Too often, the third time results in turning the alarm off rather than hitting snooze. That was the case this morning. An hour after I hit snooze the first time, I realized I had 10 minutes to get out of the house. This is a bad habit that I intend to break before I get a job that frowns upon arriving as if ready for a slumber party. I'm hoping that good habits will multiply as easily as the bad ones.
God has given me the strength and desire for this journey, as well as the extra time. I'm grateful that He has a plan for my life, and I find joy in the expectation of things to come.
I almost skipped today's entry. Not because I haven't done well, because I have. When I reach a certain level of exhaustion, my brain wants to rest along with my body, and profound insights elude me. Then I reconsidered, because looking back, I will want to remember the monotonous times as well.
I'm on day 4 with no caffeine, sugar, processed food, or alcohol. I felt great this morning. I'm not sure if the cloud at work hit me or if my body is finally realizing that it's missing the impostor fuel it's been running on; but midday I started to feel a little sluggish. I wasn't so tired that I was plagued by cravings, but I started losing the pep that has made the beginning of this journey seem effortless. I forced myself to exercise this evening, which helped a little. I finally tackled the mountain of unsorted mail that rose from the seat of the chair, past the top of the table. It was the equivalent of five unmanageable piles that should have been tackled months ago. I can see my table. I can see my chair. I can even see the shelf that's been hidden by the overflow. I am slowly cleaning the mess that procrastination left, which only strengthens my resolve.
I'm hoping that before this journey is over, I will be able to face mornings before they face me. I am hoping to eliminate the incessant need to hit snooze at least three times. Too often, the third time results in turning the alarm off rather than hitting snooze. That was the case this morning. An hour after I hit snooze the first time, I realized I had 10 minutes to get out of the house. This is a bad habit that I intend to break before I get a job that frowns upon arriving as if ready for a slumber party. I'm hoping that good habits will multiply as easily as the bad ones.
God has given me the strength and desire for this journey, as well as the extra time. I'm grateful that He has a plan for my life, and I find joy in the expectation of things to come.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Day 2 and Day 3
1/5/13
I've debated whether or not to "journal" every day. I've decided that writing for most of the next 40 days is a good idea. I may want to look back at some point in the future to reflect on what worked for me and what didn't.
So far, three days into my journey, I feel great. I was expecting fatigue or irritability during the first week, as my body rids itself of toxins. Instead, I have experienced a positive, motivational energy; aside from the day long headache that postponed my original start date. This may be the calm before the storm, but I am going with it! I have started my mornings with smoothies instead of coffee, and that in itself is making a great impact on my energy level. I am a sugar junkie, but I've known for a while that sugar isn't always as sweet as it tastes. My cells crave nourishment but my taste buds have started wars in the past, daring any part of me to challenge the long held victory. The win is short-lived however, as the rest of my body suffers from the weakness that my tongue's strength holds over me.
Maybe that's why I've felt so great. I feel more in control now than I have in a while. Earlier, I found myself wondering why it's been so hard to choose healthy habits. And then it hit me. Healthy habits pave a narrow road to happiness. By happiness, I mean the kind of joy that radiates from within. Maybe there has been a part of me that has been afraid to let go of the comfort of the mediocre. Maybe there is a subconscious part of me that is afraid to be happy, because with happiness comes pain and disappointment. Maybe there's a part of me that needs to cling to some semblance of a vice, because to let go of it would mean to experience a freedom that's disguised as a fall. But maybe, it would be like falling upwards; falling away from what holds me back. If I choose to let go of that which seems to mask the discomforts of life, then I am left bare; and in those moments all that's left is to acknowledge, accept, and move on.
The other part, of course, is that healthy habits take a little more time. Planning and preparation are not the forte of a single mom who is working and going to school full time. Some nights it was all I could do to find time to grab a chicken sandwich at the Chik-Fil-A drive through to be quickly devoured by my son on the way to t-ball practice. That's why I am grateful that I have this time between graduation and grad school. My hours have been permanently cut at my job, but moving on has been in the works for a while now. Dissatisfaction and dread accompany me to work, and only the knowledge of a swift end keeps me sane. I am oddly calm about my dwindling paychecks. I am enjoying the extra few hours I have each day to experience Jacob's childhood.
Besides, I know in my heart that God has a wonderful plan in store. I embody the term "miracle". He hasn't brought me this far just to drop me now. My ups and downs do not reflect failure, they reflect life. The beat of our hearts mimic mountains, with their valleys and peaks. Trips to the valley reflect life, not failure; while climbs to the peak can be a joyous rush of adrenaline to be welcomed, not feared. Fortunately, once I invited God to journey the mountains with me, my lowest valley still trumps the highest peak of the life I used to live. In this moment, as I put aside the comfortable blanket of mediocrity that has whispered enticing deceit, I embrace instead the truth of beauty over the horizon. I gain strength and momentum with each healthy decision I make. I am confident that my struggles have illuminated and sweetened my success. My anger and disinterest towards God that I experienced in previous years have been replaced by joy, particularly when thinking of the following truth:
"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…" (Joel 2:25)
The locusts ate 27 of my 33 years. For that I am grateful!
I've debated whether or not to "journal" every day. I've decided that writing for most of the next 40 days is a good idea. I may want to look back at some point in the future to reflect on what worked for me and what didn't.
So far, three days into my journey, I feel great. I was expecting fatigue or irritability during the first week, as my body rids itself of toxins. Instead, I have experienced a positive, motivational energy; aside from the day long headache that postponed my original start date. This may be the calm before the storm, but I am going with it! I have started my mornings with smoothies instead of coffee, and that in itself is making a great impact on my energy level. I am a sugar junkie, but I've known for a while that sugar isn't always as sweet as it tastes. My cells crave nourishment but my taste buds have started wars in the past, daring any part of me to challenge the long held victory. The win is short-lived however, as the rest of my body suffers from the weakness that my tongue's strength holds over me.
Maybe that's why I've felt so great. I feel more in control now than I have in a while. Earlier, I found myself wondering why it's been so hard to choose healthy habits. And then it hit me. Healthy habits pave a narrow road to happiness. By happiness, I mean the kind of joy that radiates from within. Maybe there has been a part of me that has been afraid to let go of the comfort of the mediocre. Maybe there is a subconscious part of me that is afraid to be happy, because with happiness comes pain and disappointment. Maybe there's a part of me that needs to cling to some semblance of a vice, because to let go of it would mean to experience a freedom that's disguised as a fall. But maybe, it would be like falling upwards; falling away from what holds me back. If I choose to let go of that which seems to mask the discomforts of life, then I am left bare; and in those moments all that's left is to acknowledge, accept, and move on.
The other part, of course, is that healthy habits take a little more time. Planning and preparation are not the forte of a single mom who is working and going to school full time. Some nights it was all I could do to find time to grab a chicken sandwich at the Chik-Fil-A drive through to be quickly devoured by my son on the way to t-ball practice. That's why I am grateful that I have this time between graduation and grad school. My hours have been permanently cut at my job, but moving on has been in the works for a while now. Dissatisfaction and dread accompany me to work, and only the knowledge of a swift end keeps me sane. I am oddly calm about my dwindling paychecks. I am enjoying the extra few hours I have each day to experience Jacob's childhood.
Besides, I know in my heart that God has a wonderful plan in store. I embody the term "miracle". He hasn't brought me this far just to drop me now. My ups and downs do not reflect failure, they reflect life. The beat of our hearts mimic mountains, with their valleys and peaks. Trips to the valley reflect life, not failure; while climbs to the peak can be a joyous rush of adrenaline to be welcomed, not feared. Fortunately, once I invited God to journey the mountains with me, my lowest valley still trumps the highest peak of the life I used to live. In this moment, as I put aside the comfortable blanket of mediocrity that has whispered enticing deceit, I embrace instead the truth of beauty over the horizon. I gain strength and momentum with each healthy decision I make. I am confident that my struggles have illuminated and sweetened my success. My anger and disinterest towards God that I experienced in previous years have been replaced by joy, particularly when thinking of the following truth:
"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…" (Joel 2:25)
The locusts ate 27 of my 33 years. For that I am grateful!
Friday, January 3, 2014
Day 1
1/3/14
Day 1:
Yesterday should have been the official start to my 40 day
journey to better health. I’m
semi-technically following the “Daniel Plan”.
I don’t like that name though, so I choose to read the book and keep the
journal, but follow my own make shift version by combining the wealth of
knowledge I accumulated during my previously unsuccessful attempts.
This time will be different.
Why? Because I have learned from
my failures. Because I want it
more. Because I am no longer overwhelmed
with the hustle and bustle of going from work to whichever activity clamored
for my attention each evening. Sometimes
that was night classes and other times it was Jacob’s baseball practice. This time is different. There are no classes. I have time to plan in advance. I have resolved that Jacob will get healthy
too, although I will set a more gradual pace for him, lest I trip up over the
stress of a wailing 6 year old who mirrors my own stubborn resolve while
lacking the maturity to reign it in.
Yes, the miniature version of me makes me want to explode sometimes,
although an implosion would be more helpful in finding the plug for the leaking
shriek fest. I have flirted with the
world I left behind, but I have realized the darkness that is masked beneath
the momentary escapes from reality. I am
ready to embrace reality. I am ready to
find the positive in each moment so that my reality becomes something to be
treasured rather than something to hide from.
When I find my strength in the world, I fail. I emerge weaker than when I started. But when I turn to God, and cultivate a
relationship that defies religion, that is when my strength returns. I am starting a journey to find my strength. I am starting a journey towards
vitality. I am searching for joy. I want to position myself to hear from and be
led by God. I want to deepen my faith
and move fearlessly forward into the next chapter of my life. The last few chapters have been preparation. The next 40 days will strengthen me
physically, spiritually, and emotionally for wherever God is leading me to
next. I want the next part of my journey
to involve a level of vitality and joy that I have never experienced.
The next 40 days will be a time of reflection. I will abstain from sugar, alcohol, and
processed foods. I will spend time in
prayer each day and I will exercise. I
will keep a record of my progress as well as my reflections. My failed attempts together make a foundation
from which to build from. I am
motivated by the same feelings of lethargy and irritability, however the
destination is a catalyst for future success rather than a reflection of a
failure to arrive in the past. The
arrival awaits me, however cliché that may sound, and I am ready to be prepared
for what is to come.
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